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September 29 THE NERVE OF THE WOMAN.....ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE
> > It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are > female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a > true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love > it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it. > > A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her > girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, > middle-aged man entered. > He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. > > The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked > directly toward her. (As all men will) > > Before she could offer her apologies for staring so r udely, he leaned > over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that > you want me to do, no m matter how kinky, for $20.00.......on one > condition.' > > Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man > replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three > words.' > > The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly > removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's > hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and > slowly and meaningfully said.... > > >> > 'Clean my house.' > > Women are not stupid. oh! do i expect a barage of comments....hehehe September 28 TEXANS IN HEAVEN Texans in Heaven
Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some
Texans up here who are causing problems... They're swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce and Picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep; they are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their horses with them." The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil." So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, "Hello---hold on a minute." When he returns to the phone the Devil says, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you? " Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you are having down there with the Texans." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said. "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this...hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning. September 24 MURDER OR SUICIDE---WHAT DO YOU THINK?Something to think about... Just when you think you have heard everything!! Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Not even Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess. This is an unbelievable twist of fate!!!! At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, (AAFS) President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story: On March 23, 1994...... the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.' When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. September 23 THE FAST TURTLETHE FAST TURTLE
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. One of the turtle's eyes is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?"
"Not a thing." the man responds, "this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!" "Not a chance", replies the barkeep.
Okay then, say the guy....you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog.
I'll bet your $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy pick up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender,
and smashing into the wall and saying, "I WIN...Told you it would be there before your dog!" September 21 JEWELRYMenopause Jewelry
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, Bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be Able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it Turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
Big frickin red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb ass. September 20 JIHAD PREVENTION ACTSeptember 19, 2008Tancredo introduces anti-Sharia "Jihad Prevention Act"In the wake of Britain's capitulation to Sharia, this is just the kind of law we need. I am very glad to see Congressman Tancredo doing this, and hope that it will at very least ignite a national debate about this issue. "Tancredo Proposes Anti-Sharia Measure in Wake of U.K. Certification of Islamic Courts," from Borderfire Report, September 19 (thanks to all who sent this in): WASHINGTON, DC – Amid disturbing revelations that the verdicts of Islamic Sharia courts are now legally binding in civil cases in the United Kingdom, U.S. Representative Tom Tancredo (R-Littleton) moved quickly today to introduce legislation designed to protect the United States from a similar fate. Posted by Robert at September 19, 2008 10:57 PM Comments (Note: The Comments section is provided in the interests of free speech only. It is mostly unmoderated, but comments that are off-topic, offensive, slanderous, or otherwise annoying stand a chance of being deleted. The fact that any comment remains on the site IN NO WAY constitutes an endorsement by Jihad Watch or Dhimmi Watch, or by Robert Spencer or any other Jihad Watch or Dhimmi Watch writer, of any view expressed, fact alleged, or link provided in that comment.) September 19 THE BIKERBIKER STORY Receives New York Times Best A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.' The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'' The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH September 18 THE INDIANS AND THE IRISHMANTwo Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?' The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us. Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening. The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read............... You'll like this September 17 JUST ENJOY----SEE WHICH APPLY TO YOUThought many of these would make you laugh: MAKE YOU SMILE (Bumper Sticker Material) 1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.. 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6... You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 7... Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9... I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13... The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Want ed to Be When I Grew up. 18 . Procrastinate Now! 19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.. 22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few! September 16 JOHN O'REILLYJohn O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of
me life!, between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.' 'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.' She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
September 15 MENSAMensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140
or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker con- tained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution in- volving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..." "Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
Did you know that in spanish language Mensa means stupid, dumb etc....type of works...don't know how many times my mom would tell that to my sister...(she has an IQ of about 150).....oh Well!!!! ralph
September 14 REMOVAL OF PHOTO ALBUMSI guess I was flagged and couldn't install photos on my site because I violated copyrights, so if my site looks a little thin on photo albums I removed all the ones I didn't take pictures of. the rest are mine. so still enjoy them and put your comments. On the blog, I will also watch as not tp put aritcles I copy or pictures without permission.
I got permission from one site but it is referenced on where I got the article. if I get an email, with no author, I will still place it since it is hard to find the point of origin.
I hope that this doesn't happen to you...since I don't get money or sell anything from this site, I guess and hope I don't get sued or fined and worst of all go to the pokey.......gee....have fun....I guess no more on muslims either since I offend most of them.... still a 50+ year old man taking a 9 year old for a wife is wrong.....and honor killing is not, and suicide to kill people is not justified because I believe in God and not Allah. There is no such thing as a Holy War, it is plain war and God is not going to promise you life for killing and 64 virgins do not wait in heaven for you for being a mytar. YOUR DEAD. The only ones I see seeking out to kill mass amounts of people are muslims. They believe in chaos and then can't take the heat when questioned about it....Sharia law is law by one mans interpertion. Remember, in Saudi Arabia, if you broadcast anything of viloence, sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll, you can be put to death....I figure people can just turn off the TV if it offends them... I just feel that my rights are being violated for speaking up.....in this case writing about it....ralph September 13 Talking about [How To] Add Google Translation to your space!
Quote [How To] Add Google Translation to your space! September 11 INSTALLING A HUSBANDOK LADIES, BE NICE ..STOP NODDING YOUR HEAD WHILE READING THIS. INSTALLING A HUSBAND September 10 EXERCISE THIS WAY---WATCH OUT!!!!Weight Loss
Autopsy Class September 09 SARAH PALIN AND BARACK OBAMASubject: FW: COMPARISON OF PALIN AND OBAMA Did she rock last night or WHAT!
BE INFORMED!!!
September 08 DEAR DOCTOR Wise words from a doctor………I like this guy! _____________________________________________ DEAR DOCTOR: Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO - Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay (or Merlot, or Cabernet, or any type inbetween) in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' And..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2 The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3.. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. September 06 LARRY THE CABLE GUYS THOUGHTS1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets The cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 13. Ho w many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand. 14. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name? 21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?' 22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow September 05 AN ODE TO AMERICA
September 04 back to polictics---i hated it....Now that the candidates are known-its important to know their positions on various issues-
Not the presses ideas, but THEIR OWN PROCLAMATIONS REGARDING THEM.—with sources listed –if you want to check these out
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