Windows LiveWindows Live™
 
 
Ralph 的个人资料BIG GUY照片日志列表更多 工具 帮助

日志
    9月29日

    THE NERVE OF THE WOMAN.....

    ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE
    >
    >     It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are
    > female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a
    > true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love
    > it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.
    >
    > A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
    > girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
    > middle-aged man entered.
    > He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
    >
    > The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
    > directly toward her. (As all men will)
    >
    > Before she could offer her apologies for staring so r udely, he leaned
    > over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything,
    that
    > you want me to do, no m matter how kinky, for $20.00.......on one
    > condition.'
    >
    > Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man
    > replied,   'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
    > words.'
    >
    > The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly
    > removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's
    > hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and
    > slowly and meaningfully said....
    >
    >
    >>
    > 'Clean my house.'
    >
    > Women are not stupid    .
     
     
    oh! do i expect a barage of comments....hehehe
    20:36 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (1) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    9月28日

    TEXANS IN HEAVEN

       Texans in Heaven
     
     
     
    Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I  have to talk to you. We have some
    Texans up here who are causing 
    problems... They're swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and 
    they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce 
    and Picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their 
    dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep; they are wearing 
    baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep 
    the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up 
    the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs 
    all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; 
    and they insist on bringing their horses with them."



                                     The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, 
    Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about 
    real problems, call the Devil."




                                     So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers 
    the phone and says, "Hello---hold on a minute."

    When he returns to the phone the Devil 
    says, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you? "

    Gabriel replied, "I just want to know 
    what kind of problems you are having down there with the Texans."

    The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."



    After about 5 minutes the Devil returned 
    to the phone and said. "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

    Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are 
    you having down there with the Texans?"

    The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe  this...hold on."

    This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes 
    and when he returns he says, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. 
    Those Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air 
    conditioning.
    16:36 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (5) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    9月24日

    MURDER OR SUICIDE---WHAT DO YOU THINK?

    Something to think about... Just when you think you have
    heard everything!!

     Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Not even Law
    and Order would attempt to capture this mess. This is an
    unbelievable twist of fate!!!!

     At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic
    Science, (AAFS) President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his
    audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
    Here is the story:
     
    On March 23, 1994...... the medical examiner viewed the
    body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a
    shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top
    of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.. He
    left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he
    fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a
    shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him
    instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware
    that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth
    floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald
    Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the
    way he had planned. 
     
    The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast
    emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They
    were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a
    shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the
    trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went
    through the window, striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to
    kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one
    is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.' When confronted with
    the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both
    adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not
    loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to
    threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no
    intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus
    appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had
    been accidentally loaded.
     
    The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw
    the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks
    prior to the fatal accident..

     It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's
    financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his
    father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with
    the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
     
    Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was
    guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the
    trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of
    the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
     
    Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation
    revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had
    become increasingly despondent over the failure of his
    attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to
    jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be
    killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story
    window.
     
    The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So
    the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. 
    20:21 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (9) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    9月23日

    THE FAST TURTLE

    THE FAST TURTLE
     
    A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. 
    One of the turtle's eyes is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.  
    The bartender looks at the guy and asks:  "What's wrong with your turtle?"
    "Not a thing."  the man responds, "this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!" 
    "Not a chance", replies the barkeep.
    Okay then, say the guy....you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. 
    Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. 
    I'll bet your $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there." 
    So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. 
    The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. 
    Suddenly the guy pick up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender,
    and smashing into the wall and saying, "I WIN...Told you it would be there before your dog!"
    20:11 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (2) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    9月21日

    JEWELRY

    Menopause Jewelry

     My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
     Bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be
     Able to monitor my moods.

     We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
     Turns green.
     When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
     Big frickin red mark on his forehead.

     Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.  
     
     Dumb ass.
    17:18 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (3) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    9月20日

    JIHAD PREVENTION ACT

    September 19, 2008

    Tancredo introduces anti-Sharia "Jihad Prevention Act"

    In the wake of Britain's capitulation to Sharia, this is just the kind of law we need. I am very glad to see Congressman Tancredo doing this, and hope that it will at very least ignite a national debate about this issue.

    "Tancredo Proposes Anti-Sharia Measure in Wake of U.K. Certification of Islamic Courts," from Borderfire Report, September 19 (thanks to all who sent this in):

    WASHINGTON, DC – Amid disturbing revelations that the verdicts of Islamic Sharia courts are now legally binding in civil cases in the United Kingdom, U.S. Representative Tom Tancredo (R-Littleton) moved quickly today to introduce legislation designed to protect the United States from a similar fate.

    According to recent news reports, a new network of Sharia courts in a half-dozen major cities in the U.K. have been empowered under British law to adjudicate a wide variety of legal cases ranging from divorces and financial disputes to those involving domestic violence.

    “This is a case where truth is truly stranger than fiction,” said Tancredo. “Today the British people are learning a hard lesson about the consequences of massive, unrestricted immigration.”

    Sharia law, favored by Muslim extremists around the world, often calls for brutal punishment – such as the stoning of women who are accused of adultery or have children out of wedlock, cutting off the hands of petty thieves and lashings for the casual consumption of alcohol. Under Sharia law, a woman is often required to provide numerous witnesses to prove rape allegations against an assailant – a near impossible task.

    “When you have an immigration policy that allows for the importation of millions of radical Muslims, you are also importing their radical ideology – an ideology that is fundamentally hostile to the foundations of western democracy – such as gender equality, pluralism, and individual liberty,” said Tancredo. “The best way to safeguard America against the importation of the destructive effects of this poisonous ideology is to prevent its purveyors from coming here in the first place.”

    Tancredo’s bill, dubbed the “Jihad Prevention Act,” would bar the entry of foreign nationals who advocate Sharia law. In addition, the legislation would make the advocacy of Sharia law by radical Muslims already in the United States a deportable offense.

    Tancredo pointed to the results of a recent poll conducted by the Centre for Social Cohesion as evidence that the U.S. should act to prevent the situation in Great Britain from replicating itself here in the United States. The poll found that some 40 percent of Muslim students in the United Kingdom support the introduction of Sharia law there, and 33 percent support the imposition of an Islamic Sharia-based government worldwide.

    “We need to send a clear message that the only law we recognize here in America is the U.S. Constitution and the laws passed by our democratically elected representatives,” concluded Tancredo. “If you aren’t comfortable with that concept, you aren’t welcome in the United States.”

    Posted by Robert at September 19, 2008 10:57 PM
    Print this entry | Email this entry | Digg this | del.icio.us

    Comments
    (Note: The Comments section is provided in the interests of free speech only. It is mostly unmoderated, but comments that are off-topic, offensive, slanderous, or otherwise annoying stand a chance of being deleted. The fact that any comment remains on the site IN NO WAY constitutes an endorsement by Jihad Watch or Dhimmi Watch, or by Robert Spencer or any other Jihad Watch or Dhimmi Watch writer, of any view expressed, fact alleged, or link provided in that comment.)
    8:26 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (3) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    9月19日

    THE BIKER

    BIKER STORY Receives New York Times Best 

    A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into
    the lion's cage. 

    Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to
    pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming 
    parents. 

    The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion
    square on the nose with a powerful punch. 

    Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl,
    and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him 
    endlessly. 

    A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. 

    The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most
    gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.' 

    The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
    bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt
    right.' 

    The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm
    a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper 
    will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a
    living and what political affiliation do you have?'' 

    The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' 

    The journalist leaves. 

    The following morning the biker buys     The New York Times to see if it 
    indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page: 

    U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
    16:23 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (3) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    9月18日

    THE INDIANS AND THE IRISHMAN

    Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
    All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

    'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
    He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

    The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.         'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

    The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

    Just then they came upon another cave.
    The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
    Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

    He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

    The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.
    As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

    He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
    'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
    With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.


    The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............





    You'll like this


     


    NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN
    18:27 | 添加评论 | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    9月17日

    JUST ENJOY----SEE WHICH APPLY TO YOU


          Thought many of these would make you laugh:
     
                                     MAKE YOU SMILE (Bumper Sticker Material)
     
                                    1.. My husband and I divorced over religious
    differences. He thought he was God and I didn't..
                                    2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy
    every minute of it.
                                    3.. Some people are alive only because it's
    illegal to kill them.
                                    4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it
    broke.
                                    5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one
    gets out alive.
     
     
                                    6... You're just jealous because the voices
    only talk to me
                                    7... Beauty is in the eye of the beer
    holder.
                                    8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the
    universe.
     
     
     
                                    9... I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts
    are just missing.
                                    10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
     
     
                                    11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
    why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
                                    12.. God must love stupid people; He made so
    many.
                                    13... The gene pool could use a little
    chlorine.
                                    14.. Consciousness: That annoying time
    between naps.
                                    15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start
    again?
     
     
                                    16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better
    than being under it!
                                    17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I
    Want ed to Be When I Grew up.
                                    18 . Procrastinate Now!
     
     
     
                                    19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You
    Want Fries With That?
                                    20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
                                    21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins
    with a cash advance..
     
     
     
                                    22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park
    elsewhere!
                                    23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease
    was already taken.
                                    24.. He who dies with the most toys is
    nonetheless DEAD.
                                    25.. A picture is worth a thousand words,
    but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
     
     
     
                                    26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a
    chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
                                    27.. The trouble with life is there's no
    background music.
     
     
                                    28.. The original point and click interface
    was a Smith & Wesson.
                                    29.. I smile because I don't know what the
    hell is going on.
     
                                    Appreciate every single thing you have,
    especially your friends!
                                    Life is too short and friends are too few!
    21:16 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (3) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    9月16日

    JOHN O'REILLY

    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of
    me life!, between the legs of me wife!'

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
     
    He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best
    toast of the night.'
     
    She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
     
    John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
    beside me wife.'
     
    'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
    corner.
     
    The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night
    at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
     
     
    She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
    he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,

     

    AUTHOR UNKNOWN


    and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
    20:09 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (2) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    9月15日

    MENSA

    Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140
    or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention
    in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local
    cafe.
     
    While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker con-
    tained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
    How could they swap the contents of the bottles without
    spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly
    this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented
    ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution in-
    volving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They
    called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
     
    "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the
    pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."
     
    "Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She
    unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

     

    Did you know that in spanish language Mensa means stupid, dumb etc....type of works...don't know how many times my mom would tell that to my sister...(she has an IQ of about 150).....oh Well!!!! ralph


    17:45 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (1) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    9月14日

    REMOVAL OF PHOTO ALBUMS

    I guess I was flagged and couldn't install photos on my site because I violated copyrights, so if my site looks a little thin on photo albums I removed all the ones I didn't take pictures of.  the rest are mine.  so still enjoy them and put your comments.  On the blog, I will also watch as not tp put aritcles I copy or pictures without permission.
    I got permission from one site but it is referenced on where I got the article.  if I get an  email, with no author, I will still place it since it is hard to find the point of origin.
    I hope that this doesn't happen to you...since I don't get money or sell anything from this site, I guess and hope I don't get sued or fined and worst of all go to the pokey.......gee....have fun....I guess no more on muslims either since I offend most of them.... still a 50+ year old man taking a 9 year old for a wife is wrong.....and honor killing is not, and suicide to kill people is not justified because I believe in God and not Allah.  There is no such thing as a Holy War, it is plain war and God is not going to promise you life for killing and 64 virgins do not wait in heaven for you for being a mytar.  YOUR DEAD. The only ones I see seeking out to kill mass amounts of people are muslims. They believe in chaos and then can't take the heat when questioned about it....Sharia law is law by one mans interpertion.  Remember, in Saudi Arabia, if you broadcast anything of viloence, sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll, you can be put to death....I figure people can just turn off the TV if it offends them... I just feel that my rights are being violated for speaking up.....in this case writing about it....ralph
    13:16 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (5) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    9月13日

    Talking about [How To] Add Google Translation to your space!

     

    Quote

    [How To] Add Google Translation to your space!


    you can add multi language support for your site by adding Google Translation, To get to a more diverse crowds by helping them to  understand, To add the translation to your site, first decide which language combinations you want to offer.

    After that its pretty straight-forward: surf to Google's language Tools-Page enter the desired address to translate for example your Space URL below, select the appropriate language combination, submit the form and see the URL in your browser's navigation bar.
    (Added below a list of top 10 Languages on the internet i found for you)

    Now all u have to do is put those address on your space, u can do it as i did using a list.
    or set it up as Html blocks which you can spice up with some flags images or some thing of the sort (i wounder why no one made a gadget out of it).

    done, hope its helped.


    For those who prefer to do it manually (some time its faster) you can edit this link directly:
    http://translate.google.com/translate?u=http://YOURSPACE-NAME.spaces.live.com&langpair=en|ko&hl=en&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8

    first change your space name and then choosing your language code:
    English To Chanise    - en|zh
    English to Español     - en|es
    English to 日本語        - en|ja
    English to Français    - en|fr
    English to Deutsch    - en|de
    English to العربية          - en|ar
    English to Português  - en|pt
    English to 한국어        - en|ko
    English to Italiano      - en|it



    Technorati Tags: ,,,


    8:50 | 添加评论 | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    9月11日

    INSTALLING A HUSBAND

    OK LADIES, BE NICE ..STOP NODDING YOUR HEAD WHILE READING THIS.
              Subject: INSTALLING A HUSBAND

    INSTALLING A HUSBAND

    Dear Technical Support Group,

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:
    ·     Romance 9.5 and
    · Personal Attention 6.5,

    and then installed undesirable programs such as:

    · NBA 5.0,
    · NFL 3.0 and
    · Golf Clubs 4.1.

    Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

    · Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

    What can I do?

    Signed,
    Desperate

    ------------ ------


    DEAR DESPERATE,

    First, keep in mind,
    ·     Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
    ·     Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

    Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
    ·     If that application works as designed , Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

    However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
    ·     Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta..

    Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

    In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
    ·     Cooking 3.0 and
    · Hot Lingerie 7.7.

    20:19 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (4) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    9月10日

    EXERCISE THIS WAY---WATCH OUT!!!!

    Weight Loss
     
    A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
     
    The next day, theres a knock on the door and there stands before him a
    voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike
    running shoes and a sign around her neck.
     
    She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
    sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
     
    Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing
    and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the nextfour
    days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is
    delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
     
    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day
    theres a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,
    sexy woman he has ever seen in h is life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok
    running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,"If you catch me you can
    have me".
     
    Well, hes out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
    shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the
    same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
     
    Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
    that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and
    calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
     
    "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
    rigorous program."
     
    "Absolutely," he replies, "I havent felt this good in years."
     
    The next day theres a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a
    huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and
    a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
     
     
    He lost 63 pounds that week.

     

     

    Autopsy Class
     
    An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of
    students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. There are two
    things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have
    no fear. Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpses anus and
    licked it. Now you must do the same, he told the class.
     
    After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
     
    Second, the professor continued, you must have an acute sense of
    observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle
    finger up this mans anus, but licked my index finger?    BEAR  REMOVER
     
     
     
        A man wakes up one morning in Alaska  to find a bear on his roof. So
      he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough,  there's an ad for "Bear
      Removers."
     
      He calls the number, and the bear remover  says he'll be over in 30
      minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of  his van. He's got a
      ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit  bull.
     
     
        "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
     
      "I'm going to put this ladder up  against the roof, then I'm going to
      go up there and knock the bear off the  roof with this baseball bat.
      When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained  to grab his testicles
      with his jaw and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough  for
      me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
     
     
        He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
     
      "What's the shotgun for?" asks  the homeowner.
     
      "If the bear knocks me off the roof,  shoot the dog."

    19:40 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (3) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    9月9日

    SARAH PALIN AND BARACK OBAMA

    Subject: FW: COMPARISON OF PALIN AND OBAMA

    Did she rock last night or WHAT!
     
    BE INFORMED!!!
     
     

    Sarah Palin

    Barack Obama

    Office being sought
    Vice President
    President of the United States and Leader of the Free World
    Full name
    Sarah Louise Heath Palin
    Barack Hussein Obama II
    Nickname
    Sarah Barracuda
    Barry Obama; 'The One'
    Public opinion
    Smoking hot in a 'naughty librarian' sort of way
    May be The Messiah
    Age
    44
    48
    Children
    5: two sons, three daughters
    2: two daughters
    Religion/Church attendance
    Evangelical Christian;
    attends Juneau Christian Center when in Juneau and grew up attending Wasilla Assembly of God
    Attended Trinity United Church of Christ for 20 years, a 'black liberation theology' church formerly led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright and governed according to the Black Value System
    Current Job
    Governor of Alaska
    Junior Senator from Illinois
    Previous Public Jobs
    Mayor of Wasilla, AK (1996-2006); President of Alaska Conference of Mayors;
    City Council member (1992-1996)
    State Senator (1997-2004);
    Community Organizer
    Executive Experience
    Governor for 2 years;
    Mayor for 10 years
    None
    Foreign Relations experience
    Governor of state that borders two foreign countries (Canada and Russia)
    Chaired Senate subcommittee on Europe but never called it into session;
    once gave a speech to 200,000 screaming Germans
    Military Affairs experience
    Commander in Chief of Alaska National Guard;
    Son is enlisted Infantryman in U.S. Army
    None
    Private Sector Experience
    Sports reporter;
    Salmon fisherman
    Associate at civil rights law firm
    Speaking ability
    Beautifully executed initial stump speech in Dayton, OH hockey arena without a teleprompter
    An enter...wait--did you say without a teleprompter??
    Spouse's name
    Todd Mitchell Palin
    Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama
    Spouse's occupation
    Salmon fisherman;
    Former North Slope production supervisor for BP Oil
    Vice President for Community and External Affairs at University of Chicago Hospitals;
    former Associate Dean of Student Services at the University of Chicago;
    former Executive Director for the Chicago office of Public Allies;
    former Assistant to the Mayor of Chicago;
    former associate at Sidley Austin law firm
    Reaction to spouse's political success
    Quit 17-year BP oil job when BP became involved in natural gas pipeline negotiations with wife's administration
    Promoted and given 160% pay raise by UofC hospitals within months of husband's election to U.S. Senate;
    Employer received $1,000,000.00 federal earmark, requested by husband, after her promotion
    Coolest thing about Spouse
    Tesoro Iron Dog Snowmobile race champion (longest snowmobile race in the world);
    In 2008, while defending his championship, was injured when he was thrown 70 feet from his machine. He was sent to the hospital but still finished in fourth place
    Sister of Oregon State University head basketball coach Craig Robinson
    Most Courageous Moment in Public Service
    Resigned in protest from position of Ethics Commissioner of Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission in order to expose legal violations and conflicts of interest of Alaska Republican leaders, including the former state Attorney General and the State GOP Chairman (who was also an Oil & Gas Commissioner), who was doing work for the party on public time and supplying a lobbyist with a sensitive e-mail.
    Gave an anti-Iraq war speech to a crowd of anti-Iraq war demonstrators in Hyde Park in 2002
    In Current Office Because...
    Upset sitting Governor in GOP primary due to public support for her efforts to clean up corrupt government establishment
    Republican opponent, who was leading in the polls, was forced to leave race after unsealing of divorce records exposed a sex scandal
    Theme:
    Change and Clean Government
    Hope and Change;
    'Bringing Change from Outside Washington'
    What they've done to live that theme:
    Replaced entire Board of Agriculture and Conservation because of conflict of interest;
    Resigned from position of Ethics Commissioner of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission in order to expose corruption among members of own party
    Selected 36-year incumbent Senator as running mate
    Family Affairs
    May have removed State Public Safety Commissioner as part of effort to protect sister in messy divorce and child custody battle
    Often says, 'I am my brother's keeper';
    Brother lives in a hut in Nairobi on $12 per year
    Union affiliation
    Union member, married to Union member
    Endorsed by a union
    Iraq and Troop Support
    Formerly (pre-surge) critical of apparent lack of long-term strategy for Iraq;
    Visited wounded U.S. soldiers in Germany;
    visited AK National Guard soldiers deployed to Kuwait;
    Son deploying to Iraq on 9/11/08 as Army infantryman
    Gave an anti-Iraq war speech to a crowd of anti-Iraq war demonstrators;
    almost visited wounded troops in Germany, but decided to go shopping in Berlin instead
    Bipartisan/'maverick' credentials
    Married to a non-Republican;
    Exposed corruption within own party;
    Campaigned for Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell against corrupt GOP congressman Don Young;
    Called out Sen Ted Stevens (R-AK) to 'come clean' about financial dealings that are under fed investigation
    Talks about bipartisanship
    Legislative Record
    Passed a landmark ethics reform bill;
    Used veto to cut budgetary spending;
    Prevented 'bridge to nowhere' that would have cost taxpayers $400 million dollars.
    Voted 'present' over 100 times as IL state senator
    How they dealt with corrupt individuals in home city/state
    Exposed legal violations and conflicts of interest of Alaska Republican leaders;
    Campaigned against corrupt GOP Representative;
    Ran against and defeated corrupt incumbent governor in GOP primary
    Launched political career in home of unrepentant domestic terrorist Bill Ayers (and still refers to him as a part of 'mainstream Democratic Chicago';
    Purchased home with help of convicted felon Tony Rezko
    Guns
    Lifetime member of NRA and avid hunter;
    video can be found on YouTube of Palin firing an M4 at a military firing range
    Worked to pass legislation in Illinois that would prevent all law-abiding citizens from owning firearms
    Earmarks
    Opposed 'Bridge to Nowhere' project;
    Said Alaska should avoid relying on federal money for projects;
    Campaigned against porker Don Young (R-AK) in 2008 primary
    Secured federal earmarks for wife's employer and for campaign bundlers
    Abortion
    Pro life;
    gave birth to 5th child knowing that he would have Down's syndrome
    Pro-choice;
    only IL state sen. to speak against the Born Alive Infant's Protection Act, which required medical care to be given to live infants who survived abortions
    Energy
    Believes energy independence is a matter of national security;
    For drilling in ANWR, which is in her state
    Says Americans should 'get tune-ups' and 'check tire pressure';
    Says 'we can't expect the world to be okay with' our use of heating and air conditioning
    Environment
    Chair of Alaska Conservation Commission (2003-4);
    Announced plans to create sub-cabinet group of advisors to address climate change and reduce greenhouse gas emissions in AK
    Talks about the environment a lot
    Athletic prowess
    Runs marathons
    Has reporters tailing him to the gym
     
     
    20:52 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (4) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    9月8日

    DEAR DOCTOR

              Wise words from a doctor………I like this guy!
     
              _____________________________________________
     
     
              DEAR DOCTOR:
     
              Q:   I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is
    this true?
     
              A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...
    don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
    your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend
    the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
     
     
              Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
     
     
              A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
    Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
    than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
    grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
    vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
    allowance of vegetable products.
     
     
              Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
     
     
              A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled
    wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
    more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
     
     
              Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
     
     
              A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to
    one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
     
     
              Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
    exercise program?
     
     
              A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
    Pain...Good!
     
              Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
     
     
              A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in
    vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more
    vegetables be bad for you?
     
              Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
    the middle?
     
     
              A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
    should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
     
     
              Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
     
              A: Are you crazy? HELLO - Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!  It's
    the best feel-good food around!
     
     
              Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
     
     
              A:   If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
     
     
              Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
     
     
              A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
     
     
               Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
    had about food and diets.
     
     
     
              And remember:
     
              'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
    arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid
    in sideways - Chardonnay (or Merlot, or Cabernet, or any type inbetween) in
    one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn
    out and screaming
     
              'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
     
              And.....
     
              For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
    nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
    conflicting nutritional studies.
     
              1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
    than Americans.
     
              2 The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
    than Americans.
     
              3.. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
    attacks than Americans.
     
              4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart
    attacks than Americans..
     
              5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and
    fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
     
     
     
              CONCLUSION:
     
              Eat and drink what you like.
     
              Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

    20:22 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (3) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    9月6日

    LARRY THE CABLE GUYS THOUGHTS

    1. A day without sunshine is like night.

    2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

    3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

    6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

    7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets The cheese in the trap.

    9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

    10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

    12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

    13. Ho w many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

    14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

    17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

    18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

    20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

    21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

    22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

    23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow
    17:04 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (1) | 固定链接 | 写入日志
    9月5日

    AN ODE TO AMERICA

    We rarely get a chance to see another country's editorial about the   USA  . 
    Read this excerpt from a Romanian Newspaper. The article was written by Mr. Cornel Nistorescu and published under the title 'C'ntarea Americii, meaning 'Ode To   America  ') in the Romanian newspaper Evenimentulzilei 'The Daily Event' or 'News of the Day'



    ~An Ode to  America  ~


    Why are Americans so united?  They would not resemble one another even if you painted them all one color!  They speak all the languages of the world and form an astonishing mixture of civilizations and religious     beliefs

    On 9/ll, the American tragedy     turned three hundred million people into a hand put on the heart. 
    Nobody rushed to accuse the White House, the Army, or the Secret Service that they are only a bunch of losers.  
    Nobody rushed to empty their bank accounts.  
    Nobody rushed out onto the streets nearby to gape about   
    Instead the Americans volunteered to donate blood and to give a helping hand. 


    After the first moments of panic, they raised their flag over the smoking ruins, putting on T-shirts, caps and ties in the colors of the national flag. They placed flags on buildings and cars as if in every place and on every car a government official or the president was passing. On every occasion, they started singing: 'God Bless America !' 
     
    I watched the live broadcast and rerun after rerun for hours listening to the story of the guy who went down one hundred floors with a woman in a wheelchair without knowing who she was, or of the Californian hockey player, who gave his life fighting with the terrorists and prevented the plane from hitting a target that could have killed other hundreds or thousands of people. 

    How on earth were they able to respond united as one human being?  Imperceptibly, with every word and musical note, the memory of some turned into a modern myth of tragic heroes. And with every phone call, millions and millions of dollars were put into collection aimed at rewarding not a man or a family, but a spirit, which no money can buy. 

    What on earth can unite the Americans in such way?  
    Their land?  Their history? Their economic Power?  Money?  
    I tried for hours to find an answer, humming songs and murmuring phrases with the risk of sounding commonplace, I thought things over, I reached but only one conclusion... Only freedom can work such miracles.
      Cornel Nistorescu  

    22:43 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (1) | 固定链接 | 查看引用通告 (1) | 写入日志
    9月4日

    back to polictics---i hated it....


     

    Now that the candidates are known-its important to know their positions on various issues-

     

    Not the presses ideas, but THEIR OWN PROCLAMATIONS REGARDING THEM.—with sources listed –if you want to check these out

     

     

     

     

    ISSUE

    JOHN McCAIN

    BARAK OBAMA

    Favors new drilling offshore US

    Yes

    No

    Will appoint judges who interpret the law not make it

    Yes

    No


    Served in the US Armed Forces

    Yes

    No

    Amount of time served in the US Senate

    22 YEARS

    173 DAYS

    Will institute a socialized national health care plan

    No

    Yes

    Supports abortion throughout the pregnancy

    No

    Yes

    Would pull troops out of Iraq immediately

    No

    Yes

    Supports gun ownership rights

    Yes

    No

    Supports homosexual marriage

    No

    Yes

    Proposed programs will mean a huge tax increase

    No

    Yes

    Voted against making English the official language

    No

    Yes

    Voted to give Social Security benefits to illegals

    No

    Yes

    CAPITAL GAINS TAX

    MCCAIN

    0% on home sales up to $500,000 per home (couples). McCain does not propose any change in existing home sales income tax.

    OBAMA

    28% on profit from ALL home sales.  (How does this affect you? If you sell your home and make a profit, you will pay 28% of your gain on taxes. If you are heading toward retirement and would like to down-size your home or move into a retirement community, 28% of the money you make from your home will go to taxes. This proposal will adversely affect the elderly who are counting on the income from their homes as part of their retirement income.)

    DIVIDEND TAX

    MCCAIN

    15% (no change)

    OBAMA

    39.6% - (How will this affect you? If you have any money invested in stock market, IRA, mutual funds, college funds, life insurance, retirement accounts, or anything that pays or reinvests dividends, you will now be paying nearly 40% of the money earned on taxes if Obama becomes president. The experts predict that 'Higher tax rates on dividends and capital gains would crash the stock market, yet do absolutely nothing to cut the deficit.')

    INCOME TAX

    MCCAIN

    (no changes)

    Single making 30K - tax $4,500
    Single making 50K - tax $12,500
    Single making 75K - tax $18,750
    Married making 60K- tax $9,000
    Married making 75K - tax $18,750
    Married making 125K - tax $31,250

    OBAMA (reversion to pre-Bush tax cuts)

    Single making 30K - tax $8,400
    Single making 50K - tax $14,000
    Single making 75K - tax $23,250
    Married making 60K - tax $16,800
    Married making 75K - tax $21,000
    Married making 125K - tax $38,750
    Under Obama, your taxes could almost double!

    INHERITANCE TAX

    MCCAIN

    - 0% (No change, Bush repealed this tax)

    OBAMA

    Restore the inheritance tax

    Many families have lost businesses, farms, ranches, and homes that have been in their families for generations because they could not afford the inheritance tax. Those willing their assets to loved ones will only lose them to these taxes.

    NEW TAXES PROPOSED BY OBAMA

    New government taxes proposed on homes that are more than 2400 square feet.  New gasoline taxes (as if gas weren't high enough already) New taxes on natural resources consumption (heating gas, water, electricity)  New taxes on retirement accounts, and last but not least....New taxes to pay for socialized medicine so we can receive the same level of medical care as other third-world countries!!!

     

     

     

     


    You can verify the above at the following web sites:

    21:30 | 添加评论 | 阅读评论 (1) | 固定链接 | 查看引用通告 (1) | 写入日志