Rules of the South

 

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one and leave.

5. So you have a $70,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in the South waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. We say "sir and ma'am", "please and thank you", "excuse me and I'm sorry" when we are wrong or impolite.

Do not make the mistake of thinking it makes us weak. It's just good up-bringing.

12. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds

of ham & turkey.

13. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

14.  You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.  You bring "Mary Jane"  into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck and have long hair.

15. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it frightens the fish, and aggravates the alligators.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.

18. Don't think that since we talk slow, we think slow. You may be in for a surprise.

19. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

20. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump, rap/crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!A true Southerner will send this to at least 10 others. 

 HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY
 
 
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
 chemistry mid term.
 
 
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
 with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
 pleasure of enjoying it as well :
 
 
 
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
 heat)?
 
 
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle 's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
 
 
One student, however, wrote the following:
 
 
First, we need to know how the mass o f Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many
souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in
the world today.
 
 
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. N ow,
we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle 's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. <
 
This gives two possibilities:
 
 
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
 Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
 breaks loose.
 
 
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
 then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over
 
 
So which is it?
 
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
 
 
 
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+. 

 

 

GOT THIS AS AN EMAIL...GOOOD STORY ON CHEMISTRY AND HELL.

"Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out
on the joke of the century."
 
 
Meet My Mistress...
 
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband
a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
 
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
 
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
 
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce."
 
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no
more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and
Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."
 
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his
arm.
 
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
 
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
 
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
 
"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could
know how seldom they do."
 
 
Everything's Big In Texas...
 
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on
the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The
person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
 
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving
in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He
exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is
big in Texas."
 
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the
bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The
blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped
the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the
swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
 
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,
 
"Don't flush, don't flush!"
 
 
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
 
 
1. It's OK if you fall off the horse - at least you got on and tried your
best.
 
2. Life, at times, may seem unfair; those are the days when we learn the
most.
 
3. A love of good books means you will never be lonely.
 
4. Family gatherings keep us together and should not occur with just
funerals and weddings.
 
5. We are only borrowing these bodies and these moments, treat them with
loving care and respect.
 
6. The older we get, the more important activity is; once you stop moving,
you stop living.
 
7. Don't let the sunshine find you hiding indoors; a sunny day is an
invitation to play.
 
8. No matter how much we fight as brothers and sisters, family is family and
will always be there when you need them.
 
9. Never leave with an angry word, it might be the last thing you get to say
to that person.
 
10. Last, but definitely not least...The mothers curse works: "Someday I
hope you have children who act just like you!"
 
 
He who angers you, controls you!
 
 
Take Thee To A Nunnery...
 
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from
home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
 
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window,
she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
 
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of
paper,wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out
the window to him.
 
The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his
hat, went off down the street.
 
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting
on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting.
 
Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
 
"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he
replied.
 
"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."
 
 
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to...discourage him. 

Southern Living

 Kentucky:

 The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.   He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Kentucky and I need some help.  If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"  The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings." You gotta love  those Kentucky women.
************ ********* ********* ********* *********
Alabama:

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked."  Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.  "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.  "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
 ********* ********* *********
Louisiana:

A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying. "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
 ********* *********
Mississippi:

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"  Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"  The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
 ********* *********
 Tennessee:

    A  Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper

     asked, "Got any ID?"
     The driver replied, "Bout whut?" ********* *********
 And My Favorite:

 A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of  the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire."  The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
********* *********
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North. 

Here are two projects of mine.  Tool chest that needs tools and a computer center in our office.  More pictures in the projects album. 

IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON.


Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?   If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"   "I'm four and a half!"   You're never thirty-six and a half.   You're four and a half, going on five!    That's the key!!

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.

You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?"   "I'm gonna be 16!"  You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!  And then the greatest day of your life . . . you  BECOME 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21.   YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30.   Oooohh, what happened there?   Makes you sound like bad milk!  He TURNED; we had to throw him out.  There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling.  What's wrong?  What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30,  then you're PUSHING 40.  Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away.  Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!!   You MAKE   IT to 60.   You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!  After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime and it doesn't end there.  Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens.  If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.   "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."

2. Keep only cheerful friends.   The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning.  Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle.  "An idle mind is the devil's workshop."   And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud.  Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.  The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.  Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.

Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health : If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it.   If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9 Don't take guilt trips.  Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Be very careful if you make a woman
cry, because God counts her tears. The woman
came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be
walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but
from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be
protected, and next to the heart to be loved."

 Hi , life has been very good to me. And age does make a difference on how you accept the future. As we age one see's the fruit of our labor, with our kids, our pensions, our family, friends and on the material possessions we have acquire through out our lives. As we age we  look at the list where we listed our dreams/goals. Then we start drawing a line through some of our dreams, expectations of us, and family. We sometimes questions ourselves and wonder what we could have done different. We cannot change our destiny or that of others. But as long as we have our feet well place on the reality of our lives, we can dare each day with a smile. We can still wish and day dream. If I was 30 or 40 I would adopt ten children between 10-18 and give them a home. Ithis is just a wish.  I have come a long way and I am learning and getting smarter each day. Take a break and enjoy your life. Mucho amor.The last paragraph is written by my first cousin, Vicken, she is 70, a retired teacher, still very active, and always up on current events. She is a very good woman. God Bless her. 

HARSH YOU SAY??
 
a.. There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools.
 
a.. No special ballots for elections.
 
a.. All government business will be conducted in our language.
 
a.. Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote no matter how long they are here.
 
a.. Foreigners will NEVER be able to hold political office.
 
a.. Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers.
 
a.. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, or other government assistance programs.
 
a.. Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must be an amount equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage.
 
a.. If foreigners do come and want to buy land that will be okay.
 
a.. BUT options will be restricted.
 
a.. You are not allowed waterfront property. That is reserved for citizens naturally born into this country.
 
a.. Foreigners may not protest; no demonstrations, no waving a foreign flag, no political organizing, no bad-mouthing our president or his policies.
 
a.. If you do you will be sent home.
 
a.. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be hunted down and sent straight to jail.
  
Harsh, you say?........
The above laws happen to be the immigration laws of " MEXICO " 

 

         Debate in Australia.  

  

 

 

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert,wandering aimlessly and close to death.They are about to lay down and wait for the inevitable, when all of a sudden....... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet." "Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee". So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture ..there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat."Pepe, Pepe, we are saved! Eet EES a bacon tree!" "Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We are in the Desert don't forget." "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree". And with that ...Luis races toward the tree.He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath."Pepe...go back man, you was right...ees not a bacon tree." "Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it? "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

Ees..........

Ees..........

Ees.........

Ees.........

... Eees a Ham Bush

 

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.  At  
the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang
out with anyone you want to in heaven."

   
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then
said, "I want to hang out with God."

  
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so
you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."

   
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in
inventing something that's pretty unstable,
makes noise and pollution and can't run  without
a road?"
Arthur was  apparently embarrassed, but finally
spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the  inventor of woman?"
  
God said, " Ah, yes."
"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to
professional, you have some major design  flaws
in your invention:   

1. There's too much inconsistency in the  front-end protrusion  
   

2.  It chatters constantly at high speeds

        
3. Most rear ends  are too soft and wobble too much

    
4. The intake is placed way too close to  the   exhaust   


5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!  


"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
replied God, "hold on."  

 God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed
in a few words and waited for the results. The
computer printed out a slip of paper and  God  
read it.

"Well, it may be  true that my invention is
flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to  
these numbers, more  men are riding my invention
than yours. "    

The 3 Goldberg brothers
 
 
Here is something you car buffs probably didn't know.
 
The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented and developed
the first automobile air-conditioner.
 
Didn't know that, did ya...
 
On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97.
 
The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet- talked
his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most
exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
 
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
 
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their
car.
 
They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130 - turned on the
air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.
 
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he
offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.
 
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted
the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air- Conditioner" on the
dashboard of each car that it was installed in.
 
Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there
was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on 2 million Ford cars.
 
They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4
million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.
 
And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls the names
"Norm, Hi,  &  Max".
 
 
There, now ya know it....

 

 

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

         10..Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes. 
          11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
          12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
          13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
          14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
          15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
          16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
          17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
          18.. Procrastinate Now! 

              19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

            20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
            21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
            22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
            23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
            24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.      
            25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
            26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
            27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
            28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
            29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!  Life is too short and friends are too few!

 

 

 

"A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.  She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.  Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.  The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, This is what your wife needs at least three times a week .! Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf." 

 

 

EMAIL STORIES TO ME CONCERNING INFIDELITY AND NO LOVE.  MAKES YOU WONDER WHY PEOPLE EVER GET MARRIED IF THEY DO THINGS LIKE THIS.  BIGGEST CONCERN, ALWAYS TELL AND SHOW YOUR WIFE YOU LOVER HER, AND GIVE THE CHILDREN A HUG AND KISS AND TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM...

 

FLORIDA HAS GOT IT RIGHT!!!!

      As reported earlier this week, some dirtbag who got pulled over in a

      Routine traffic stop in Florida ended up "executing" the deputy who

      Stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his

      right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog

      killed.

      A statewide manhunt ensued. The low-life was found hiding in a wooded

      area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.

      Now here's the kicker: Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68

      Times. Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, told the Orlando Sentinel,

      "That's all the bullets we had."

snoops confirms this story on urban legends.

 

OUR great nation embarked on build a bomb in secretcy and eventually used in warfare.  Two atomic bombs were dropped on Japan and then in a couple of second 100,000 plus people were killed.  In the years that have followed, many more Japanese citizens are still affected by the bombs.  Our nation still has nuclear weapons that are many times more powerfull then the two that were dropped on Japan.  North Korea, India, and Pakistain recentlly joined the world nuclear race and now are considered powerfull.  Iran persues the golden weapon of mass destruction.   I, in no doubt consider they will get make on sooner or later.  Should we attack?   NO!  Will they use it for peace or war, only their leaders know, but be assured, if it is used, Iran will never exist again except in historical maps and books.  Nuclear power for peacefull uses, yes, to generate electricity.  It is cheap, econimical, and safe if safe guards are in place.  It will improve countries to get ahead and elimate proverty and start growing.

 

I hope that Iran quits talking about destroying Israel, but I doubt it.  They have to have a scape goat.  It is amazing how twisting religious passages can create hatred.  Brainwashing the youth, just like Nazis did in the 1920's, and soon by the late 1930's an early 1940's, the youth were trained for war and the older generation was in charge.  TO BAD, THE IRANIANS DON'T LET THERE PEOPLE SEE WHAT THE REST OF THE WORLD IN THE TRUTH LIGHT EXCEPT TO SHOW WHAT IS ALWAYS WRONG WITH A COUNTRY.  I DON'T THINK AN IRANIAN WILL READ THIS.