The Sack Lunches

           I put my carry-on in the luggage
           compartment and sat down in my assigned seat.  It was going
           to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a good book to read and
           perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.
             Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and
           filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. 
           I decided to start a conversation.  'Where are you headed?' I
           asked the soldier seated nearest to me.
              'Petawawa. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then we're
           being deployed to Afghanistan .'

           After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack lunches were
           available for five dollars.  It would be several hours before
           we reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the time.

           As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if he
           planned to buy lunch.  'No, that seems like a lot of money
          for just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks.
           I'll wait till we get to base.  His friend agreed.
                           
           I looked around at the other soldiers.  None were buying lunch.
           I walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight
           attendant a fifty dollar bill.  'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.'
            She grabbed my arms and squeezed tightly.
            Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me.  'My son was
            a soldier in Iraq ; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'
                           
           Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where
           the soldiers were seated.  She stopped at my seat and asked,
           'Which do you like best - beef or chicken?'

           'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked.  She turned and went to the
           front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate
           from first class.
                 'This is yours with thanks.'

           After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane, heading for
           the rest room. A man stopped me.  'I saw what you did.  I
           want to be part of it.  Here, take this.'  He
           handed me twenty-five dollars.

           Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Air craft Pilot coming down the
           aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked , I hoped he was
           not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers
           only on my side of the plane.  When he got to my row he stopped,
           smiled, held out his hand, and said, 'I want to shake your hand.'
                           
           Quickly unfastening my seat belt I stood and took the
           Captain's hand.
                  With a booming voice he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a
           military pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch.  It was an
           act of kindness I never forgot.'  I was embarrassed when
           applause was heard from all of the passengers.
                           
           Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs.
           A man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached
           out his hand, wanting to shake mine.  He left another
           twenty-five dollars in my palm.

           When we landed I gathered my belongings and started to deplane.  Waiting
           just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put
           something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away
           without saying a word.
           Another twenty-five dollars!

              Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip to the
           base.  I walked over to them and handed them
           seventy-five dollars. 'It will take you some time to reach the base.
           It will be about time for a sandwich.  God Bless You.'

           Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their fellow
           travelers.  As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a
           prayer for their safe return.  These soldiers were giving their
           all for our country.  I could only give them a couple of
           meals. It seemed so little.

           A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made
           payable to his country for an amount of  'up to and
           including my life.'
                           
          That is an Honor, and there are way too many people who
           no longer understand it.

           May God give you the strength and
            courage to pass this along to everyone on
           your email buddy list.

 

The Charles Schulz Philosophy

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the
'Peanuts' comic strip.
You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just ponder on them. Just
read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and
actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are
no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the
applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and
certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special!
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?
The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the
most credentials... the most money... or the most awards. They simply are
the ones who care the most!

Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life, like
I did.
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow
in Australia !"

"Be Yourself, Everyone Else Is Taken!"

"Wish"


I Wish...

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits,
the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's
yours?"

"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and
the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says
"I'll have a beer,"

The ostrich says "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large Scotch" says
the man.

"Same for me" says the ostrich.

"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it
on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! Oh, one
other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."



A Little Snow Problem...

There was a little boy in kindergarten. He cried,so the teacher asked
him what was wrong.

He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots, "Are
these yours?"

"No, they're not mine," the boy shook his head.


The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not
yours?"

"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine have snow on them."

 

 

Bar Owner vs. the Baptists
 
 
 
In a small Texas town, the owner of Drummond's Bar began construction
on a new building to increase his business. The local Baptist church started
a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work
progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the
bar and it burned to the ground.
 
 
 
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until
the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately
responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or
indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility
or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.
 
 
 
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the
paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to
decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who
believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does
not."

 

 

NJ Italian logic.........

 

 NJ ITALIAN LOGIC

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian from New Jersey fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'

The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the f#@* can't they play at night?’

Once I had a young Lieutenant Junior Grade working for me.  He was a little wimpish or lacked self confidence which impacted upon his ability to lead.  Often he would make suggestions to our troops, of which he was senior, and they would just ignore him.  He lacked the personality to demand their respect and one time he got frustrated and felt he had to tell them that he was their boss and they had to do what he said.  The Chief, the next senior person below him came to me and told me what had happened, telling me the problem it was causing him with proper military discipline in the unit.

Facts you should know about men...

 

 

 

 

US OIL

 

If you don't believe what you read below, simply GOOGLE it or follow this link. 

It will blow your mind. http://www.usgs.gov/newsroom/article.asp?ID=1911 

The U. S. Geological Service issued a report in 

April ('08) that only scientists and oil men knew 

was coming, but man was it big..  It was a revised 

report

 (hadn't been updated since '95) on how much 

oil was in this area of the western 2/3 of North Dakota; western South Dakota; and extreme eastern Montana .... 

Check THIS out:

The Bakken is the largest domestic oil discovery 

since Alaska 's Prudhoe Bay, and has the potential 

to eliminate all American dependence on foreign oil.

The Energy Information Administration (EIA) 

estimates it at 503 billion barrels. Even if just 

10% of the oil is recoverable... At $107 a barrel, 

we're looking at a resource base worth more than 

$5.3

 trillion. 'When I first briefed legislators on 

this, you could practically see their jaws hit the 

floor. They had no idea.' says Terry Johnson, the 

Montana Legislature's financial analyst.

'This sizable find is now the highest-producing 

onshore oil field found in the

 past 56 years.' 

reports, The Pittsburgh Post Gazette.  It's a 

formation known as the Williston Basin, but is more 

commonly referred to as the 'Bakken'.  And it 

stretches from Northern Montana, through North 

Dakota and into

 Canada.  For years, U. S. Oil 

exploration has been considered a dead end.  Even 

the 'Big Oil' companies gave up searching for major 

oil wells decades ago.  However, a recent 

technological breakthrough has opened up the 

Bakken's massive reserves... And we

now have access of up to 500 billion barrels.  

And because this is light, sweet oil, those billions 

of barrels will cost Americans just $16 PER BARREL!

That's enough crude to fully fuel the American 

economy for 41 years straight. 

2. And if THAT didn't throw you on the floor, then 

this next one should - because it's from TWO YEARS 

AGO! U. S. Oil Discovery- Largest Reserve in the 

World! Stansberry Report Online - 4/20/2006 

Hidden 1,000 feet beneath the surface of the Rocky 

Mountains lies the largest untapped oil reserve in 

the world is more than 2 TRILLION barrels.  On 

August 8, 2005 President Bush mandated its 

extraction. They reported this stunning news:  

We have

 more oil inside our borders, than all the 

other proven reserves on earth. Here an official 

estimates: 

- 8-times as much oil as Saudi Arabia 

- 18-times as much oil as Iraq 

- 21-times as much oil as Kuwait

- 22-times as much oil as Iran 

- 500-times as much oil as Yemen 

- and it's all right here in the Western United 

States . 

HOW can this BE? HOW can we NOT BE extracting this?  Because the 

environmentalists and others have blocked all

efforts to help America become independent of 

foreign oil!

James Bartis, lead researcher with the study says 

we've got more oil in this very compact area than 

the entire Middle East -more than 2 TRILLION barrels

untapped.  That's more

 than all the proven oil 

reserves of crude oil in the world today, reports 

The Denver Post.

---- Don't think 'OPEC' will drop its price - even 

with this find?  Think again!  

It's all about the competitive marketplace, - it 

has to.

---- Got your attention/ire up yet?  Hope so!  Now, 

while you're thinking about it ... And hopefully 

P.O'd, do this: 

3. Pass this along..   If you don't take a little 

time to do this, then you should stifle yourself 

the next time you want to complain about gas prices.

Because by doing NOTHING, you've forfeited your 

right to complain.

-------- Now I just wonder what would happen in 

this country if every one of you sent this to 

every one in your address book.

IF WE WENT INTO COMPETION WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD, WE WOULD PROBABLY UNDERCUT EVERYONE TO DESTROY

THEIR ECOMONIES, THEN A WORLDWAR WOULD ENSUE....WE COULD ALSO JUST WAIT TILL THERE OIL RAN OUT...RALPH

Welcome to the Tip of the Day!
 
 
*** Today's Tip: IS SEA SALT BETTER FOR YOU? 
Sea salt or table salt…what’s the difference? Ordinary table salt
comes from salt mines and is usually refined until it is pure sodium
chloride; whereas, sea salt is harvested from the sea and is typically
less refined. But the sodium content of each is essentially the same.
One advantage of sea salt is that some people may use a little less
because of its courser texture. As with any salt, use in moderation
and aim for no more than 2,300 milligrams of sodium in your diet
daily..

 

THIS WAS AN EMAIL FROM ONE OF MY FRIENDS ON SPACES...THANK HER===DEBBIE

This is pretty cool you can zoom in on anyone there.   2009 Inauguration Photo - SUPER HI-DEF   This is absolutely the BEST in 'high definition'..... Really amazing.  Zoom in ('double-click' an area) ....and watch it focus. Then zoom some more... and wait for focus. What a surveillance tool this is !  If you want, you can click and hold and move the map just like the Google World Maps...it's amazingly definitive.   This picture was taken with a robotic camera and weighs in at 1,474 megapixel. (295 times the standard 5 megapixel camera) It was a Canon that pulled together over 200 individual shots. Each zoom in takes a second to focus ...and then you can see some amazing reactions.   Bonus points if you find Yo-Yo Ma .... taking a picture with his iPhone.   http://gigapan.org/viewGigapanFullscreen.php?auth=033ef14483ee899496648c2b4b06233c

Bubba Had Shingles 
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!  Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?  Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.  Bubba said: 'Shingles.'  So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. 
Bubba said, 'Shingles.'  So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'  So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.  Bubba said, 'Shingles.'  The doctor asked, 'Where?' 
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck.  Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

I'm still laughing!!

Colonoscopy 

ABOUT THE WRITER 

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. 


This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:


I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.  A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .  Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.  I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

 

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

 

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.  Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.  Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.  (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

 

 

 

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'  This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

 

 

 

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:  Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

 

 

 

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.  The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.  I was very nervous..  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.

 

 

 

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.  Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

 

 

 

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.  At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.

 

 

 

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.  Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.  There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this

 

particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

 

 

 

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. 
I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.  Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.  I have never been prouder of an internal organ. 


On the subject of Colonoscopies... 


Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 
 

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! 

  
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 

  
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 

 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.' 

 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 

  
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' 

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 

  
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 

  12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' 

  
And the best one of all. 

  
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

 

Welcome to the Tip of the Day!


*** Today's Tip: WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING
Is your child involved in sports? If so, it is likely that you already
know how much emphasis can be placed on winning at all costs.
According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, it's important for
parents to focus on the value of kids' sports for fun and exercise,
not only for winning. Unrelenting pressure to win can create excessive
stress for young athletes, negatively impacting their health,
wellness and even their performance.
 

America has come a long way

In a few short days, a black man will move from his private residence into a much larger and more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast lawn, perimeter fence and many well-trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us, but the mere fact that this man will live there should make us all stop and count our blessings — because it proves we live in a nation where anything is possible.

Many believed this day would never come. Most of us hoped and prayed that it would, but few of us actually believed we would live to see it. Racism is an ugly thing in all of its forms and there is little doubt that if this man had moved there 15 years ago, there would have been a great outcry — possibly even rioting in the streets. Today, we can all be both grateful and proud that no such mayhem will take place when this man takes up residency in this house.

This man, moving into this house at this time in our nation's history is much more than a simple change of addresses for him — it is proof of a change in our attitude as a nation. It is an amends of sorts — the righting of a great wrong. It is a symbol of our growth, and of our willingness to judge a man, not by the color of his skin but by the content of his character.

There can be little doubt now that the vast majority of us truly believe this man has earned both his place in history and his new address. His time in this house will not be easy — it will be fraught with danger and he will face many challenges. We're sure there will be many times when he asks himself how in the world he ended up here, and, like all who have gone before him, the experience will age him greatly. But in every way a man can, he asked for this. His whole life for the past fifteen years appears to have been inexorably leading this man toward this house. It is highly probable that in the past, despite all of his actions, racism would have kept this man out of this house. Today, we thank the Lord above that we are Americans and live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible. A nation where O.J. Simpson is finally going to jail.

What, you thought this was about Obama?

 

 

Welcome to the Tip of the Day!


*** Today's Tip: TRAMPOLINE SAFETY
If you own a backyard trampoline or are considering buying one, be
sure to take the proper precautions to be safe. According to a U.S.
Consumer Products Safety Commission report, more than 91,000
trampoline injuries require treatment in emergency rooms each year.
They include sprains, strains, and head and neck injuries. Colliding
with another person is the number one cause of injuries, so limit use
to one person at a time. Also, do not allow children under age 6 to
use a trampoline.

 

Suggested New Regulations for the Utah Driver's License 2009 Handbook

 

 

1. Turn signals will give away your next move.

    A confident UTAH Driver avoids using them.

 

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe

    distance between you and the car in front of you, because

    the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in

    an even more dangerous situation.

 

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less

    chance you have of getting hit.

 

4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign.

    No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

 

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork,

    especially with California , Nevada or Arizona plates.

   With no insurance, the other operator probably has nothing to lose.

 

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to

    ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot

    massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of

    you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

 

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

    It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

 

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion

    and are not enforceable in UTAH during rush hour.

 

9 Just because you're in the left lane and have no room

   to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a California

   driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think

   he can go faster in your spot.

 

10 Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or

     even someone changing a tire.

     This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

 

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling.

      UTAH is the home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the Department

      of Transportation, which puts construction in key locations

      to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

 

12. It is tradition in UTAH to honk your horn at cars in

      front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the

      light turns green.  This is also a good courtesy to use

      right before you rear-end somebody. See # 4.

 

13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover,

       it is important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away.

       Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

 

14. Remember that the goal of every UTAH driver is to get

      ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

 

15. In UTAH , 'flipping the bird' is considered a Patriotic salute.

      This gesture should always be returned.

 

 

"Life should NOT be a  journey to the grave with the  intention of arriving  safely in  an attractive and well preserved body, but  rather to skid in   sideways, beer in one hand, body thoroughly  used up, totally worn  out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

 

Welcome to the Tip of the Day!


*** Today's Tip: SHOULD PEOPLE WITH ARTHRITIS EXERCISE?
For years, people with arthritis and related conditions were taught
not to exercise. However, studies now show that exercise can help
people with arthritis by reducing joint pain and stiffness, and
increasing flexibility, muscle strength, cardiac fitness and
endurance. The National Arthritis Foundation recommends gentle
activities such as water aerobics, dance or tai chi, which can help
increase flexibility and endurance without putting too much pressure
on the joints. People with arthritis should discuss exercise options
with their health care provider.

 

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she
can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells
the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he
will
stop snoring.

'Yeah right!' she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the
dog
begins snoring, as usual.

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to
herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red
ribbon and
ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being
out
drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep
and
begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon
might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a
piece of
blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it
also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into
the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in
the
mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is
very
confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the
red
ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't
know where we were .... or what we did ... but, by God ...
We took First and Second place.'
 

Judas Asparagus   If you need a laugh today, then  this should do it!  A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.  This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.  I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand  what we are teaching???   Through the eyes of a child:   The Children's Bible in a Nutshell In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.  Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.  Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.    Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.  After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.  God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.  There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.   After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of The New.  He was born  in  Bethlehem  in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')   During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.   Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.   But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum..  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.     Welcome to the Tip of the Day! *** Today's Tip: PREVENTING YOUR RISK FOR CANCER February is National Cancer Prevention Month. Cancer is the second most common cause of death in the U.S. This year alone, more than 565,000 Americans are expected to die of cancer, according to the American Cancer Society. It doesn’t have to be this way. Prevention and early detection can save lives and help those who develop cancer to survive. Lower your cancer risk with timely screening tests, good food choices and an active lifestyle. If you’re a smoker, commit to quitting today!

 

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.




After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.



The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."



So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.



He proceeded to talk up a storm.



Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the $$=+ out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .

12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's

 

 

Welcome to the Tip of the Day!


*** Today's Tip: STRENGTH TRAINING & WEIGHT MANAGEMENT
Strength training is crucial to weight control because individuals who
have more muscle mass have a higher metabolic rate. Muscle is active
tissue that consumes calories while stored fat uses very little
energy. Strength training can provide up to a 15 percent increase in
metabolic rate, which is enormously helpful for weight loss and
long-term weight control.

Mental Health...


For a minute there I thought I was on the hit list.

 

In 2009 the government will start  killing

all the mentally ill  people.

I started crying when I thought of  you.

 Run little friend, run!

   

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE  MENU

Hello and thank you for calling  The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options  menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If  you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for  you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and  6,

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you  want,

stay on the line so we can trace your  call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and

your call will be forwarded to the  Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully

and a little voice will tell You which  number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up.

Itdoesn't matter which number you  press,

nothing will make you happy  anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are  bipolar, please leave a message  after the beep

or before the beep or after the  beep.

But Please wait for the beep.

If  you have short-term  memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss,  press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss,  press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.

Our operators are too busy to talk with  you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down,

hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and  cry.

You won't be crazy forever.

If  you are  blonde, don't  press any buttons.

   

You'll just mess it up.

This  coming week is

National Mental Health  Careweek.

You can do your part by remembering to  contact at least

one unstable person to show you  care.

(Well, my job is done . Your turn!!)

 

.

Welcome to the Tip of the Day!


*** Today's Tip: STRENGTH TRAINING & WEIGHT MANAGEMENT
Strength training is crucial to weight control because individuals who
have more muscle mass have a higher metabolic rate. Muscle is active
tissue that consumes calories while stored fat uses very little
energy. Strength training can provide up to a 15 percent increase in
metabolic rate, which is enormously helpful for weight loss and
long-term weight control.