"Learn how to be happy with what you have while you pursue all that you want." Jim Rohn

THE RULES OF RURAL WEST VIRGINIA ARE AS FOLLOWS:
LISTEN UP CITY SLICKERS!!!!

1. PULL YOUR DROOPY PANTS UP. YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

2. TURN YOUR CAP RIGHT, YOUR HEAD ISN'T CROOKED.



3. LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT; IT'S CALLED A 'DIRT ROAD.'
NO MATTER HOW SLOW YOU DRIVE, YOU'RE GOING TO GET
DUST ON YOUR LEXUS.. DRIVE IT OR GET OUT OF THE WAY.



4. THEY ARE CATTLE. THEY'RE LIVE STEAKS. THAT'S WHY THEY
SMELL FUNNY TO YOU, GET OVER IT. DON'T LIKE IT? I-64 GOES
EAST AND WEST, I-77& I-79 GO NORTH AND SOUTH. PICK ONE.



5. SO YOU HAVE A $60,000 CAR. WE'RE IMPRESSED...
WE HAVE $100,000 TRACTORS AND HAY BALERS THAT ARE
DRIVEN ONLY 3 WEEKS A YEAR.



6. SO EVERY PERSON IN RURAL  WEST VIRGINIA  WAVES.
WE THINK OF IT AS BEING FRIENDLY.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT.



7. IF THAT CELL PHONE RINGS WHILE AN 8-POINT BUCK AND
3 DOES ARE COMING IN, WE WILL SHOOT IT OUT OF YOUR HAND.
YOU BETTER HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE IT UP TO YOUR EAR AT THE TIME.



8. YEAH, WE EAT TATERS & GRAVY, BEANS & CORNBREAD.
WE FRY OUR FISH AFTER 'CATCH IN' 'EM'.
YOU REALLY WANT SUSHI & CAVIAR? IT'S AVAILABLE AT THE
CORNER BAIT SHOP.



9. THE 'OPENER' REFERS TO THE FIRST DAY OF DEER SEASON.
IT'S A RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY HELD ON THE MONDAY BEFORE
THANKSGIVING, AND THERE IS NO SCHOOL THAT WHOLE WEEK
AS MOST ALL OF THE TEACHERS AND  STUDENTS ARE IN THE
WOODS, HUNTING..



10. WE OPEN DOORS FOR WOMEN. THAT IS APPLIED TO ALL WOMEN,
REGARDLESS OF AGE.



11. NO, THERE'S NO 'VEGETARIAN SPECIAL' ON THE MENU.
ORDER COUNTRY HAM OR FRIED CHICKEN OR YOU CAN ORDER
THE CHEF'S SALAD AND PICK OFF THE 2 POUNDS OF HAM & TURKEY.



12. WHEN WE FILL OUT A TABLE, THERE ARE THREE MAIN DISHES:
MEATS (INCLUDES FISH), VEGETABLES, AND BREADS. WE USE FOUR
SPICES: SALT, PEPPER, HOT SAUCE AND KETCHUP. OH, YEAH...WE
DON'T CARE WHAT YOU FOLKS IN JERSEY CALL THAT STUFF YOU
EAT...IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!!!



13. YOU BRING 'COKE' INTO MY HOUSE, IT BETTER BE BROWN, WET
AND SERVED OVER ICE.



14. YOU BRING 'MARY JANE' INTO MY HOUSE, SHE BETTER BE CUTE,
KNOW HOW TO SHOOT, AND HAVE LONG HAIR.



15. COLLEGE AND HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL IS AS IMPORTANT HERE
AS PRO BALL, AND A DANG SITE MORE FUN TO WATCH.



16. YEAH, WE HAVE GOLF COURSES. BUT DON'T HIT THE WATER
HAZARDS---IT SPOOKS THE FISH.



17. COLLEGES? WE HAVE THEM ALL OVER. WE HAVE STATE
UNIVERSITIES, COMMUNITY COLLEGES, AND VO-TECHS.
THEY COME OUTTA THERE WITH AN EDUCATION PLUS A LOVE FOR
GOD AND COUNTRY, AND THEY STILL WAVE AT EVERYBODY WHEN
THEY COME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.



18. WE HAVE A WHOLE TON OF FOLKS IN THE ARMY, NAVY, AIR
FORCE, AND MARINES. SO DON'T MESS WITH US. IF YOU DO, YOU
WILL GET WHIPPED BY THE BEST.



19. TURN DOWN THAT BLASTED CAR STEREO! THAT THUMPITY-
THUMP NOISE AIN'T MUSIC, ANYWAY. WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT
ANYMORE THAN WE WANT TO SEE YOUR BOXERS. REFER BACK
TO #1.



20. 4 INCHES ISN'T A BLIZZARD-IT'S A FLURRY. DRIVE IN IT LIKE YOU
GOT SOME SENSE , AND DON'T TAKE ALL OUR BREAD, MILK, AND
TOILET PAPER FROM THE GROCERY STORES. THIS AIN'T ALASKA ,
WORST CASE YOU MAY HAVE TO LIVE A WHOLE DAY WITHOUT
CROISSANTS. THE PICKUPS WITH SNOW BLADES WILL HAVE YOU OUT THE NEXT DAY.



A TRUE WEST VIRGINIAN WILL SEND THIS ON!!!!!!!

> ARE WE STUPID OR WHAT?

> 

> 

> It makes you wonder .......

> 

> This email comes in three parts....Make sure you read all three parts!

> 

> Part 1

> In just one year.  Remember the election in 2006?

> 

> Thought you might like to read the following:

> 

> A little over one year ago:

> 1) Consumer confidence stood at a 2 1/2 year high;

> 2) Regular gasoline sold for $2.19 a gallon;

> 3) The unemployment rate was 4.5%.

> 

> Since voting in a Democratic Congress in 2006 we have seen:

> 1) Consumer confidence plummet;

> 2) The cost of regular gasoline soar to over $4.10 a gallon;

> 3) Unemployment is up to 5 % (a 10% increase);

> 4) American households have seen $2.3 trillion in equity value  

> evaporate (stock and mutual fund losses);

> 5) Americans have seen their home equity drop

> by $1.2 trillion dollars;

> 6) 1% of American homes are in foreclosure.

> 7) Food prices skyrocketing over 30% in 1 year.

> 

> America voted for change in 2006, and we got it!

> 

> Remember it's Congress that makes law - not the President. He has  

> to work with what's handed to him.

> 

> Quote of the Day........'My friends, we live in the greatest nation  

> in the history of the world.  I hope you'll

> join with me as we try to change it.' -- Barack Obama

> 

> Part 2:

> Taxes...Whether Democrat or a Republican you will find these  

> statistics enlightening and amazing.

> www.taxfoundation.org/publications/show/151.HTML

> 

> Taxes under CLINTON-1999             Taxes under BUSH-2008

> Single earning:                                 Single earning:

> 30K - taxed- $   8,400                       30K - taxed $   4,500

> 50K - taxed  $ 14,000                        50K - taxed $ 12,500

> 75K - taxed  $ 23,250                        75K - taxed $ 18,750

> 

> Married earning:                                Married earning:

> 60K -   taxed  $16,800                       60K - taxed $ 9,000

> 75K -   taxed $ 21,000                       75K - taxed $ 18,750

> 125K - taxed $ 38,750                       125K -taxed $ 31,250

> 

> Barack Obama promises to return to the higher tax rates if elected.  

> It is amazing how many people that fall into the categories above  

> think Bush is screwing them and Bill Clinton was the greatest  

> President ever.

> 

> If elected, Barack Obama has already promised that he will repeal  

> the Bush tax cuts, and amazingly, a good portion of the people that  

> fall into the categories above can't wait for it to happen. This is  

> like the movie 'The Sting' with Paul Newman; you scam somebody out

> of some money and they don't even know what happened.

> 

> PART 3:

> You think the war in is costing us too much?   Read this:

> Boy, am I confused.  I have been hammered with the propaganda that  

> it is the war and the war on terror that is bankrupting us.

> I now find that to be RIDICULOUS.  Read on...

> 

> I hope the following 14 reasons are forwarded over and over again  

> until they are read so many times that the reader gets sick of  

> reading them.  I have included the URL's for verification of all  

> the following facts.

> 

> 1.      $11 Billion to $22 billion is spent on welfare to illegal  

> aliens each year by state governments.

>        Verify at: http://tinyurl.com/zob77

> 2.     $2.2 Billion dollars a year is spent on food assistance  

> programs such as food stamps, WIC, and free sc hool lunches for  

> illegal aliens.

>        Verify at: http://www.cis..org/articles/2004/fiscalexec.html

> 3.      $2.5 Billion doll a rs a year is spent on Medicaid for  

> illegal aliens.

>        Verify at: http://wwwcis..org/articles/2004/fiscalexec.html

> 4.     $12 Billion dollars a year is spent on primary and secondary  

> school education for children here illegally and they cannot speak  

> a word of English!

>       Verify at: http://transcripts.CNN.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt. 

> 0.HTML

> 5.      $17 Billion dollars a year is spent for education for the  

> American-born children of illegal aliens, known as anchor babies.

>      Verify at: http://transcripts..cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt. 

> 01.html

> 6.  $3 Million Dollars a DAY is spent to incarcerate illegal aliens.

>    Verify at: http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt. 

> 01.html

> 7.  30% percent of all Federal Prison inmates are illegal aliens.

>      Verify at: http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt. 

> 01.html

> 8.  $90 Billion Dollars a year is spent on illegal aliens for  

> Welfare & social services by the American taxpayers.

>       Verify at: http://premium.cnn.com/TRANSCIPTS/0610/29/ldt.01.html

> 9.  $200 Billion Dollars a year in suppressed American wa ges are  

> caused by the illegal aliens.

>      Verify at: http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0604/01/ldt. 

> 01.html

> 10.  The illegal aliens in the have a crime rate that's two and a  

> half times that of white non-illegal aliens.  In particular, their  

> children, are going to make a huge additional crime problem in the .

>      Verify at: http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0606/12/ldt. 

> 01.html

> 11.  During the year of 2005 there were 4 to 10 MILLION illegal  

> aliens that crossed our Southern Border also, as many as 19,500  

> illegal aliens from Terrorist Countries.  Millions of pounds of  

> drugs, cocaine, meth, heroin and marijuana, crossed into the U. S  

> from the Southern border.

>       Verify at: Homeland Security Report: http://tinyurl..com/t9sht

> 12.  The National Policy Institute, 'estimated that the total cost  

> of mass deportation would be between $206 and $230 billion or an av  

> erage cost of  between $41 and $46 billion an nually over a five  

> year period.'

>        Verify at: http://www.nationalpolicyinstitute.org/pdf/ 

> deportation.pdf

> 13.  In 2006 illegal aliens sent home $45 BILLION in remittances  

> back to their countries of origin.

>        Verify at: http://www.rense.com/general75/niht.htm

> 14.  'The Dark Side of Illegal Immigration: Nearly One Million Sex  

> Crimes Committed by Illegal Immigrants In The .'

>         Verify at: http://www.drdsk.com/articleshtml

> 

> The total cost is a whopping $338.3 BILLION DOLLARS A YEAR.

> 

> Are we THAT stupid?

> 

> If this doesn't bother you then just delete the message.

> 

> 

> 

> If, on the other hand, it does raise the hair on the back of your  

> neck, I hope you continue to forward it to every legal resident in  

> the country including every member of Congress, until we restore  

> some semblance of intelligence in our policies and enforcement  

> thereof.

 
 
                    1.   The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.
 
                    2.  I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
 
                    3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
 
                    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra
class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
 
                    5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a
little behind in his work.
 
                    6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still
be stationery.
 
                    7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was
cited for littering.
 
                    8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.
 
                    9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.
 
                    10. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a
banana.
 
                    11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The
police are looking into it.
 
                    12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
 
                    13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
 
                    14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
 
                    15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
 
                    16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a
hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said,
'No change yet.'
 
                    17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
 
                    18. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of
religion. .
 
                    19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.
 
                    20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is
now a seasoned veteran.
 
                    21. A backward poet writes inverse.
 
                    22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.  In
feudalism it's your count that votes.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
  wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
 
  2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you,
  but don't start anything.'
 
  3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
 
  4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
 
  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
  'A beer please, and one for the road.'
 
  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this
  taste funny to you?'
 
  7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That
  sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not
  Unusual.'
 
  8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
  Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe
  you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
 
  9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
  look at either.
 
  10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
 
  11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
  find any.
 
  12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
  'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you
  can't - I've cut off your arms!'
 
  13. I went to a seafood disco last week..and pulled a mussel.
 
  14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
 
  15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
  says, 'Dam!'
 
  16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
  craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
  your kayak and heat it too.
 
  17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing
  in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
  hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
  'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't
  stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
 
  18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
  to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family
  in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of
  himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
  husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
  responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
 
  19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
  produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
  little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
  from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ....
  A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
  20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
  his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
  laugh. No pun in ten did.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. 
 
 
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.' 
 
 
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. 
 
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. 
 
 
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant , about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectlyformed. 
 
 
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. 
 
 
She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'
 
 
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?' 
 
 
(folks, your gonna luv this) 
 
The bank manager looks back at her and says... 
 
'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.' 
 
 
 
 
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........) 
 
 
 
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!! 
 
 
 
 
 
Have a great day. . .

Life with Dad>              I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy
> some new shoes.  We decided to grab a bite at the food
> court. 
>               I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting
> next to him.
>            The teenager had spiked hair in all different
> colors:  green, red, orange and blue.
>
>          My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would
> look and find him staring every time.
>
>
>              When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically
> asked,
>           'What's the matter old man, never done
> anything wild in your life? '
>
>             Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so
> that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would
> have a good one.  In his classic style, he did not bat an
> eye in his response:
>     'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was
> just wondering if you were my son.'
>

Remember these are from Australia ...   They have a handle

 on our politics